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SERIAL KILLER GIVES BACK
Imprisoned Serial Killer, Bones McGree, the "Bashful Butcher," known for his sheepish and diffident luring and milquetoast murder MO, is to hold a Zoom mentorship program for up and coming killers, citing Copassins and a desire to give back as main reasons.
Lauded by many in the criminal community as a one of a kind program, the reclusive McGree had been sitting on the idea of mentoring young serial killers for several years until a swelling of emails and letters prompted him to garner the courage to go ahead with the program.
Speaking from another stint in the hole (this time for shanking all 237 plastic milk jugs in the mess hall) McGree was unrepentant concerning his past crimes, and he faults this new breed of serial killers. "These young punks, green as plump limes they are, want everything instantly like the Snapgram or Instachat, or whatever in the hell they are using. It's not good for the guild. These kids are getting caught left and right because they have no patience."
Bones wistfully pined over of his own past activities and wants to make a difference in today's youth. "Back when I was active, '69 - '95, oh, those were the golden years, from Zodiac to Dahmer, remember? We could really take our time. We could terrify someone with a lingering phone call, petrify with heavy panting over the lines, intimidate with the subtle ticking on a window, or mortify by clacking on the floorboards of a backyard deck. Stalking is an art you know, tools, tricks of the trade, the whole shebang. I have so much to offer and that's where my Zoom lectures come in. I have this deep need to give back to my community."
McGree goes on to state of this new generation of today's potential victims, "You can't do that today. Everybody's a creep or a jerk on social media, they are all used to it, and nobody is scared anymore. As a matter of fact, I got a hold of a cell-phone last week from Lucky Lamoine, and I called a random number. A lady answered, so I started panting heavily like the good old days; I told her I was coming for her in the most dastardly of ways. She didn't get scared at all! She gave me her address and told me to bring a paddle. What is with these people today?"
The recent development of Copassins has also played a major part in McGree's orchestration of the mentorship program. "I heard in Detroit, the pigs are wearing some new-fangled, stealthy footwear, Coppasins, I guess they're called. And that they may take off nationwide. Well, I've been tinkering in the shop too, leatherworking, and I've come up with my own brand of footwear just for us, Crimisocks. I intend on leveling the playing field again big time, but there will be much more on that later."
The mentorship program begins this Wednesday at 7:00 PM, and each Wednesday a new hot topic will be discussed. Questions will be able to be submitted in real-time, and an official Q and A session will take place after each one hour lecture. The Zoom meetings can accompany up to one-hundred, and according to McGree, most of the slots have already been filled. "Eighty-seven seats have filled, but we will be recording the Zoom meeting and rebroadcasting for a small fee. The money goes to my prison account for smokes and for my gambling debts, and I have to replace all of the Whole Milk that I slashed last week."
Bones McGree has laid out the itinerary for the first nine weeks.
Week 1: Size Matters: Moving Bodies.
Week 2: Dogs and their Perceptive Noses.
Week 3: You are not OJ, so stop acting like it!
Week 4: The Shallow Grave. Will we ever learn?
Week 5: Corporeal Dumping Ground Rules.
Week 6: Escaped Victims can be Quite the Bugaboo.
Week 7: The Media is Not Your Friend.
Week 8: You'll be Doing Time when you Return to the Scene of the Crime.
Week 9: How to Organize your Van.
For an additional fee, you may be able to receive college credit for courses completed through American National University.
For additional information please contact Special Services Officer Rex Millusberger at Stillwater State Penitentiary.
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