Submitted Date 08/05/2019

I need pain.
Physical pain.
It keeps me alive.
The pain keeps me numb.
Numb in my soul.

If I feel too much, I can't live.
If I feel too much, my sanity will leave.
The insanity will start.
That is what I want.
I want to be insane.
I want to let it all go.

But I can't.
I can't give up.
I can't let it all go.
I have to stay sane.
No matter how much I don't want to, I must stay sane.
There is no other option.
No matter how badly I don't want to, I have to.

But I'm tired.
I'm so very tired.
My heart is heavy.
My soul is here, but I want it gone.

My spirit is dead.
I am breathing.
I am alive.
But I am not living.
I am dead inside.
And I want to be dead on the outside to.

Someone else can have my body.
Maybe they can do better with it than I did.
Maybe they will know what happiness feels like.
I've forgotten.

I've forgotten what it feels like to be loved.
Loved in a true way.
Loved in a way where my faults are not pointed out.
Loved when I'm crazy.
Loved when I'm angry.
Loved when I'm sane.
Loved when I feel all in me is lost.
Loved when I am lost.

I haven't forgotten what that feels like.
Because now that it is thought of, I have never been loved like that.
I have never been loved where I am not told that I'm wrong for the feelings I have.

It's not my fault I'm angry.
I'm just tired of being hurt.
It's not my fault that I don't trust.
I have always been proved that it's wrong to trust.

I must be cautious.
I must not give my whole self to anyone.
I must keep the most precious parts hidden.
They always trample me when I bare all.

I have learned the lesson life wanted to teach.
Trust no one.
Everyone will fail you.

But I cannot be hurt if I don't give myself away.
I can't be hurt if I chain myself up.
So my heart belongs to no one.

I will love.
I will love with my whole self.
But I will not let anyone see me bare again.
I will not be vulnerable again.
You cannot see into me.
You are not granted access.

I will try to forgive.
I will try to not hate you.
But you all have killed me.

Piece by piece.
You stabbed me.
You cut me.
You ripped me to shreds.
You drowned my soul.
You held me below while I struggled.
And you watched.
You watched me die.
You held me down while telling me to give it all to God.
You killed me.

I struggled.
I screamed.
I begged for air.
I begged for life.
I begged for death.
You killed me.
Then you brought me back, just so you could kill me and let me live.
I love you.
And therefore, I hate you.

I was not good enough.
Not a good enough daughter.
Not a good enough friend.
Not a good enough girlfriend.
Not a good enough wife.

I am not an adequate human being.
I am below you.
I am not good enough for you.
I am unworthy.
And I deserved to be put down.

I deserved to have my face shoved in my mud.
I deserved to be made felt helpless.
I deserved for you to touch me when I didn't want you too.
I deserved to be told that I'm going to hell.
I deserved to be told that I was impure.

I am wrong.
It is my fault.
I deserved this.
I deserved for God to turn his back on me.

And yet He is there.
He watches.
But He does nothing.

I plead and I beg.
I scream.
I beg. I beg. I beg.
I hate.
I apologize.
I beg.

He never helped me.
He never stopped these things.
He never helped.
You told me He would.
He told me He would.
It was a lie.
I hate Him.
I'm scared because I hate him.

Why must I be punished for not wanting this life I was given.
This " gift " was not wanted.
He used me.
He " spoke " through me.
I was His vessel.
I was His "beloved ".
But if He loved me, why didn't He help me.
Why was I left alone?

Why did I have to be the only one that was strong for me?
Why did I have to be strong for me and for everyone else as well?
Didn't He know that it would break me?
Didn't He know that I couldn't handle it?

Why must I be strong all the time?
I need someone to take the weight off of my shoulders.
I need someone to carry me for a change.
Because I am weak now.
I cannot carry this load anymore.
I need help.
I need help.

I deserve peace.
I deserve to rest.

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