INSANE SANITY

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Submitted Date 02/29/2020
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Sanity. What a crazy idea that is. I have spent my whole life trying to stay sane and fit in to what I thought I needed to be. But here I find myself, on the brink of insanity.


What is it to be sane? I have been responsible. I have been strong and pulled myself up every time I have fallen. So many times I thought I would break and completely lose my mind, but I haven't. Every time I have found myself on that cliff, I have taken myself back to safety. What would happen if I gave up the idea of being sane and embraced the other side? I am too afraid to try.


Whenever I reach the brink of uncertainty, my fear takes control and makes me believe that I will lose everything and everyone. I am afraid of hurting others, but what does this cost me? Why be so concerned for the feelings of others that I lose myself in the process? I am so lost within this world and within myself. Only for a brief time have I known true and complete happiness, but that time has since passed me by. From time to time I feel that joy again, but it is in fleeting moments.


Why cannot I be true to myself? Perhaps it's because I do not know myself. I cannot express myself to my own heart. How pitiful the heart can be on its journey. But better to be pitiful than molded into a person I do not want to be.


I am becoming tired of doing what I am supposed to do. I am worn out. Work does not interest me, and it is not because I am lazy. I have burnt myself out and fear that I will never recharge. Every day I do the same thing at the same place, and every day a little more of me dies.


I do not want to die without living a life full of magic and adventure. I am not someone who can be trapped in this cage of responsible sanity. To become irresponsibly insane would be a dream...or a nightmare. But even a nightmare has to be better than hell.


If I lost everything, maybe I would gain everything. But fear and strength stops me in my tracks every time. I know in my heart that this strength of mine is actually my weakness, but I am the only one who sees it as such.


If I gave up my responsible and socially acceptable adult life, I could be a child in my soul once again. I'm tired of giving my all to empty causes. Emptiness cannot be filled with emptiness.


I want to go insane, break down all the barriers I have built up over my lifetime, and burn them to the ground. I want to completely lose my shit so that I can finally be free. Someone told me that they wish they could be free like me, but I am the farthest from freedom one's soul can be.


I need to be insane so that I may truly live how I am meant to.

 

Photo Credit: Angelo Duranti, https://www.pexels.com/@angeloduranti

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