Users Who Spiked
SETTING BOUNDARIES
Private Notes
Private Notes
Notes
I have been giving a great deal of thought recently about having healthy relationships. I do not believe that anyone has to continue being in a relationship with either a partner, friend or a family member who thinks it's acceptable behavior to want to control us or act as judge and jury with regard to everything we say or do. Healthy relationships are about love, support, and encouragement, not control. Habitual, controlling behavior is not loving behavior, it's a form of abuse. So I'm just going to say the "B" word...Boundaries. Some people feel that you must simply accept the toxic behavior of others. This is not true. We must pray for those people. So, let me ask any of you out there....do you have that person (or persons) in your life, either a friend or a family member who is a complete "controller"? The person who, whenever you make a decision for yourself and you feel really good about it they immediately rain on your parade? You hear things such as, "Well, I would/could never do that because blah, blah, blah"....or you get sarcasm that makes you feel small? You never hear, "Oh, that's so fantastic, good for you!".....or even a simple, "Congratulations". They seem to have only one intention, which is to suck the joy out of anything and everything when it comes to you. One thing that took me YEARS to begin to understand is that this type of behavior in others is usually coming from a person who is extremely narcissistic. They are so into themselves that they not only need to control their own life but they also have this incessant need to control yours as well. And sometimes it's done in such a subtle, manipulative way that unless you are specially "tuned in" to it, you will never see it clearly unfolding before you. And their arrogance knows no bounds either. It's "their way" or "no way". Their point of view is the only one that they see as the "right one". If this person is a family member it can be tricky to navigate. It's always so much harder when that's the case. Friends come and go, but your family is permanent right? Not necessarily. This is where setting clear, precise boundaries comes into play. And only YOU can determine what those boundaries will be. For some, it could mean only minimal contact, either by phone or in person. For others, it may be ending all contact due to the severity of the toxicity. Life is hard enough to deal with even on a relatively good day, for all of us sometimes. But when you have this type of person in your life you must act to put a stop to it for your own emotional health and well being. Just simply say to this person that while you care/love them very much, you care about yourself just as much. You will no longer tolerate being subtly put down, made to feel small or made to feel as if every decision you make for yourself needs to be "managed" or is the wrong one according to them. But be prepared for them to turn it around on you and not take responsibility for their actions. Because it's extremely likely that they will do this. Stand your ground, narcissists rarely admit their actions are hurtful or wrong. God has put us all on our own personal journey. No one else gets to judge that. It took a very long time for me to truly understand this. But through prayer and God's loving guidance, I finally found the courage to use my voice to say what needed to be said. It freed me from all the negativity and at the same time made me feel more in control of myself, my life and most importantly, my peace of mind. I read something recently that really resonated with me: "Taking a step, uttering a new word is what people fear the most". We need to allow God to help us mitigate our fears and speak without trepidation to anyone who seeks to steal the joy we find in our lives. We must all be free to choose what is best for ourselves without fearing the wrath of someone else's judgments. Especially if they are the people closest to us.
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The photo caption itself is the TRUTH!
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Some people feel that you must simply accept the toxic behavior of others. This is not true. We must pray for those people. So, let me ask any of you out there....do you have that person (or persons) in your life, either a friend or a family member who is a complete "controller"? The person who, whenever you make a decision for yourself and you feel really good about it they immediately rain on your parade? You hear things such as, "Well, I would/could never do that because blah, blah, blah"....or you get sarcasm that makes you feel small? You never hear, "Oh, that
Yup, this is my life story. One of my favorite artist Dawn Richard said in her song, "We, Diamonds" off her latest album 'new breed',"It's not a compliment when you doubt my success in a polite way." I literally have that quote written out and taped to my door as a way to keep the positive energy in my room, and as a reminder to said person that I know of their ways, I do not accept them, and they are not right. This person is a family member too, and they do always feel the need to be right. There are multiple family members like this in my life, and some that don't mainly do it to me, but other family members of mine. There are so many toxic dysfunctional families out here, sadly, breaking down so many children to struggle with confidence and their mental health as adults, recreating the same cycle for the next generation. These people are for sure narcissist and you have to protect your energy by cutting yourself off tot hem and setting boundaries. I'm so happy and proud of you that you finally found your voice to stand up to this family member, it took me some time too. I always really had a voice, but I just didn't really realize it till I became a young adult,and I only really started to use it over the last few years, more so this year, to actually make a big difference, and I regret nothing. I'm proud of myself, as you should for yourself. You did the right thing and you may inspire other family members to do the same in your family, and friends who deal with the same thing, whether with their other friends, family members, or romantic relationships. -
There are also people like this that are like this with communication, that don't necessarily talk down on you, but will not meet in the middle with what's comfortable for you. Introverts struggle with this a lot with their family members and friends, like myself. Sometimes you need time for yourself, than trying to be there for everyone else and helping them. It's draining.
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Yes, agreed!!
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It can be very difficult to set boundaries. Thank you for sharing your story!
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Yes, it can....thank you!!
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Very important points!!!
Yes, so true! Thank you for your insights David!!