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WHEN IT'S A CHORE
When It's a Chore
My mental health has been put on the back burner my whole life.
As someone who has also struggled with an eating disorder and the motions of recovering and relapsing, I am at a place in my life now where I feel that both my mental and physical health have been put on the very very end of the backburner, and (surprise, surprise) it is causing more problems for me more than ever.
I think, when you have your whole life coming at you at full speed at the age of eighteen, getting ready to graduate high school, apply to college, choose a college major, take tests to get into said college, choose which college, and now adjust to a new life in a place with new people, things get messy when your mind already is.
I saw my ill brain like an annoying distraction and weight from me trying to move forward in life and do things I wanted to do, like graduate college, have a job, make new friends, pass my classes, not be a complete disappointment to my family, and not be the last one to make it anywhere compared to my friends.
Now post-graduate, I didn't take 'time-off' for myself after college, I jumped into my job, and stayed living away from my biggest support system; my family.
Stress for me is a huge trigger for my ill tendencies, be it smoking or drinking or not being able to eat or bingeing away the feelings of stress and loneliness, despite isolating myself, stress is huge.
My eating disorder comes from a need for control and not knowing where life is headed after the next milestone is over feels like my roller coaster ride that I thought was bad is now off the rails and detaching, something I didn't think of or plan to happen.
It's a chore to take care of myself now.
Sometimes, I hate myself for hard work and thought I put into my job, because I know its not my passion, but I'm a bit of a workaholic, and I obsess over things to distract me. Right now, the only distraction is my job, and quite frankly, it has become a distraction that seems forced, because of all the craziness and deadlines I must deal with at work anyway, I stress.
There's nothing wrong with taking time off for yourself. The best investment in life is in yourself. I think I had this feeling that I really knew how to deal with myself, my eating disorder, my depression and anxiety, and that I could just ignore it. Even after a suicide attempt, I felt this way. But I feel as if I have absolutely no control at all anymore. I recent car crash really tipped over the scale for me, and it never is so much a car crash that bothers me or makes me shaken or paranoid or just upset at money needed to be spent for repairs, but it's the fact that I really feel like I have no control. Like the thought of anyone crashing into me at any time is on my mind again for as long as it wants to stay. I don't know about you, but I don't always think about car crashes when I'm driving. I did once when I crashed my car three years ago, and the feeling only just felt like it went away until this recent one happened.
Due to stress, I have sleep paralysis every night, too, which is just another upsetting thing that I can't control. If you don't know what sleep paralysis is, it's basically feeling paralyzed when you are in the midst of sleep and awake and you can't budge. Some people talk about seeing a figure standing over them or pushing down at them when it happens, and that's exactly what I see and feel.
I know now that a part of me wishes to just go get help, but I have fun adult things to deal with like my job that I could quit but I can't quit because I have to pay my rent until the lease is up, and then anyway would need to get a job later, and if I left I would need to find out how to move my things, pay that list but of rent, drag my body around life wondering what to do, and two decisions of staying in the same place I am now and leaving both feel like I would still feel control-less.
I had been writing something about 'dealing with inevitables' before this post that I wanted to talk about and post, and the more I read it the more I question so many things, that I just don't think I have a place to talk about dealing with those things right now, because I have no idea, and I know that that's completely because of my eating disorder and mental health.
I think there just gets a point in life when you suffer with depression or any other mental health issue where you just can't deal anymore, and you just are so fed up with the day-to-day struggle. You either get help or completely give up, as pessimistic as it sounds. I think I've dodged every time I had the opportunity to get the help that it just feels like another chore that'll lead to disappointment.
I think there are people who can resonate with that, because if you've gone to the doctors in seek of mental health help, you either go to therapy or you play Russian roulette with pills that will either make you feel terrible or somewhat work or make you gain weight or for me, have always made me feels very drunk and puffed my face up times a millionth. I always wonder why I can't be the lucky one and find my right concoction or therapist, because quite frankly, in a world where it's always go-go-go, it really feels like both a waste of time and money for me to hop around and find a therapist I click with or a cocktail of pills that don't make me feel horrible.
I guess I've realized at this point the depressing tone of this post, but like any other mental health-focused post, I'd hope it pushes anyone to try and seek help, because I would have rather taken that time long ago to play Russian roulette or hop to different therapist then have to have more of this catch up to me to the point of where it feels like a chore to find help to keep myself alive, that's depressing, and a very over-the-top statement, but it becomes a lot more of a reality when problems are ignored for too long. It should never be a chore to invest in yourself.
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