Submitted Date 02/02/2019

The Cycle of Self Medication and Self Hate

Do you ever see your unhealthy addictions as a positive? Sometimes they can hide so well as such things. After all, aren’t these things called crutches? Crutches are good, no? They keep you standing. Or, like a life vest, it keeps you afloat. Is that so bad?

Depression has ruled my life for years. It consumes me, sometimes, as if it’s the only darkness I can reside in. Happiness and health are something I’ve only dwelled in, only to return to the same comfort and uncomfortableness of my depression. When something is all you’ve ever known for so long, it seems like happiness and just trying is only a seasonal thing.

I’ve done things to try and get “better”. I’ve seen both sides of the medicating, on my own and with a doctor or therapist. Though a lot of it has been work on my own with busy schedules and countless medications that never worked.

It’s funny, too, because an anger within me had grown from the people who tell me to “just breathe” or do some yoga, exercise, find a hobby. Funny enough, yoga was something I’ve always done. I have hobbies I love. So, then what?

I’ve drowned in endless heaps of different superfoods and heaps of protein powders, “uplifting” diets and rows of colorful fruits and veggies in hopes they’d add some color to my chemically imbalanced brain. As someone who has also dealt with an eating disorder, it seems like this kind of approach was the right thing.

You could ask me about maca root powder for hormone balancing and ashwagandha for an uplifted mood and reduction of anxiety. I’ve been addicted to caffeine pills and diet pills and gone cold turkey on this to maca to cold turkey from maca to caffeine. I’ve stopped smoking cigarettes for months or drinking only to return to heavily using both to cope later. It’s a roller coaster of trying and quitting and trying again. Yes I’ve even spent countless amounts of money on CBD oils, I’ve done a lot.

Sometimes my view of self-medicating gets skewed because of addictions.

In December, I quit smoking, drinking, and caffeine. I went back to the maca powder, to the cacao powder antioxidants and things like brazil nuts and dates and these superfood diet fads. Recently, I couldn’t resist the urge for a smoke, and now it’s been something I go to only to exhale and feel the immediate relief and happiness from nicotine. My mind believes that this is the real medication, but that’s only from the surreal number of endorphins I’m flooded with from giving back into an addiction.

Things get muddled up to the point where my “self-medicating” is just self-hate, like believing cigarettes are the only thing that can make me feel ok or happy, only because I am addicted. I guess, is that when a professional comes in play? To help you realign your mind and see the wrong in the connections you’ve made from addictive things = positive helpful things.

I feel like I’ve only ever dabbled in happiness if we put that label on the superfoods and eating well and whatever. I’ve dabbled in the yogi mindset and the health, and it always only lasts a season or a few months. And really, each time I look back at my dedication to prepping smoothies and exercising, getting involved with the world, going on nature walks and inhaling essential oils, but then something always cracks, and I go back to my second group of options: the immense amount of caffeine and cigarettes and drinks out with friends a little too often. Due to this, my friend group also seems to change, too. It’s like I live two different lives and my healthy self comes out to play for a shorter amount of time. And yes, I feel happy and would totally recommend maca powder and yoga. I love my essential oils, etc., etc. But I think I’ve been depressed for so long the only comfort I find is the lifestyle I’ve had there. And it’s not really “comfort”, I think it’s just a magnetic pull to the only thing I’ve ever known for so long. My brain, my subconscious mind, it wants back into the darkness when the sun gets a little too bright.

I’m not sure of a solution, or anything. And I’m sorry if that seemed like I was getting somewhere, anywhere, with this. But I think someone could resonate or be told that it’s ok to find comfort in being sick sometimes, it’s like a forced comfort. It’s like, “I don’t want to be unhappy, I don’t want to be sick, I don’t want to have no motivation, I want to do something to get better”, but I’m scared, and I suppose that every time I’ve switched to a healthier lifestyle or looking for therapy that I feel so much more uncomfortable in just trying to get better than I did when I didn’t have to even try to do anything when I was stuck in a deep depression. I’ve also found this unhealthy comfort in my addictions, I don’t think I’ll ever feel as happy living such a healthy, happy, life, then I do go out for a smoke or something. Like when I go out for walks trying to be healthy, I miss this burning cradle I had in between my fingers.

I think there’s such a stigma towards even going out to get the help that people turn to things they think would be a crutch until they can get help. Until a better time, when their schedule is freer, or something, the drink will do, the smoke will do, something will do. It’s unfortunate. But addiction has made it harder for me to commit.

I’m not saying anyway is a bad way to try and find your happy. I still advocate for superfoods and exercise and yoga and all that jazz! I just am in a flux of trying to find a way to keep on that road, and not fall back of the crutches that always snap.


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