THE PEELINGS OF A WOMAN

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Submitted Date 02/20/2019
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I lay here in my bed at night facing the wall with streams of tears pouring from my eyes. Most of the time I sleep on a damp pillow, but I can't rest until the sunrises of the next day because that's the only time I can get my mind off of the pain. I lay here feeling like the peelings of a woman who was once happy, proud, and strong. Depression, anxiety, and life has brought me to feel like nothing more. Once, I felt like a person, now I feel like a form of mass on two legs roaming the earth. Clueless. I remeber when I vowed to not let anyone break my heart, break my spirit, or take away my smile, yet I'm here. Laying here on a damp pillow, I can't remeber the last time it was dry. I thought that eventually my eyes would get tired of crying, but like a bath tub they fill up and run over, but never turns off. He doesn't hold me anymore so I pretend that the blankets are him and I wrap them around me to hold myself. The sound of the tv doesn't put me to sleep anymore only the sound of my wails and pure darkness fills the room. I'd do any and everything to get mind off of the pallet of hurt that lays on me, but nothing works. Not the scent of lavender, not the stand up shows on Netflix, not even the steamy reads that I have on my night stand. I can't figure out why do I love the things and people that don't love me back. Whenever he is sad, upset, or hurt, I'm there. Whenever he's had a bad day, I'm there. Whenever life throws us a curve ball, I'm there, but now I'm here. In this room, I'm here and alone. With all of the love and care that I give, I'm the remainder in this bed. The wall and pillow have become my only source of support after days of taking on pounds and pounds of stress. I've become a writer that can't even write because the ink gets washed away by my tears. Words can barley form out of my mouth because of the pain that lives in my throat. I'm there and here, but alone. With so many people in my life, I would expect more than just a wall to talk to. With a man in my life, I would expect more than just a wall to talk to, but I lay here in this bed and in this room alone. With thoughts of suicide running through my brain, I'm left to fight them here and alone. No one knows about the restless nights I've had with a knife in my hand. No one knows how much I cry inside when I'm not in that room. No one knows how much I want to dissapear because I'm tired of laying here, in this bed, in this room, alone! I can't scream, I can't talk, all I want to do is cry until I can't cry anymore. I'm everything for everyone, but the peelings of a woman for myself. The most simplest task have become harder for me everyday. Showering is what I do to wash away all of my sad residue, but my soul is dirty. When I eat, I just want to ignore the fact that my stomach is empty and throw myself away with the leftovers. When I cook and clean, I just wish that I would be smiled at, admired, or kissed. When I work, I think about how much I wish the night wouldn't come because I know, I will be where I am now. Laying here in my bed at night facing the wall with streams of tears pouring from my eyes. Just like him, this room has a hold on me. I suffer, but my love keeps me here. I cry every night, but my love keeps me here. I'm the peelings of a woman, but I'm still laying here in this bed without a clue why I love things and people that will never love me back.

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  • tmarion 3 weeks, 6 days ago

    Wow, Arganise, thank you for sharing something so deep and personal. Just wanted you to know that your words are being seen, read, and appreciated. It's not easy to share personal writing. Vulnerability can be challenging to say the least, but I hope it helps to be able to put your feelings into words and know there are people listening.

    • Arganise Campbell 3 weeks, 5 days ago

      Thank you so much, I really appreciate the love and support. This is a troubling time in my life and I just needed to breed a therapeutic piece.

  • Tomas Chough 3 weeks, 6 days ago

    This is so intense! I really appreciated the rawness and transparency of your writing. You described everything perfectly clear without holding any emotions back. That's not easy. Thanks for sharing!

    • Arganise Campbell 3 weeks, 5 days ago

      I'm so thankful for being heard for once in my life. It was defiantly a therapeutic piece because it was just hard not letting my feelings out, thank you for reading it. Thank you.

  • David Ross Washington Jr 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Wow. Definitely can see your heart on your sleeves through your writing here. I would recommend you listen to Kelly Rowland's album "Here I Am," as well as her album "Talk A Good Game." Those are the perfect breakup albums, helps you get through it, and form into a better self. I also walk to get over bad relationships, so I can clear my head, and liberate myself through nature, or if the whether it bad, I walk in my basement. Sorry you're going through this Arganise.

    • Arganise Campbell 3 weeks, 5 days ago

      Thank you for that and I will defiantly check out the album

  • Rick Doble 3 weeks, 5 days ago

    Your article says one thing: You know how to love and have not met a man who also knows how to love. It is horribly painful, but knowing how to love is what's important. And eventually you will meet a man who has learned this also.

  • Haley Clark 1 week, 2 days ago

    "I'd do anything to get my mind off of the pallet of hurt that lays on me..." "I've become a writer that can't even write because the ink gets washed away by my tears." - these lines resonated so deeply with me. Thank you for being so brave and reminding others and me that we're never alone in our struggles and sorrows :)

    • Arganise Campbell 1 week, 2 days ago

      Any time, thank you so much for the love and support!