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BE A MAN! (WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?)
Private Notes
Private Notes
Notes
Since Feeling Is First
Age 14-17, Phillips Exeter Academy, Exeter, New Hampshire, 1958-1962
-- This is one poem, in an autobiographical series of poems, I posted here at WriteSpike. Go to my stories section for others. They are in chronological order. --
since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;
wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world
~ e.e. cummings ~
Manliness is not all swagger and mountain climbing. Its also tenderness.
Robert Anderson, Tea and Sympathy, [about Phillips Exeter Academy]
Hazers are themselves victims, wounded souls who are acting out their own unfinished business.
Jayson Gaddis, Men and Hazing
Standing up to pain
became a badge
boys don't cry
take it like a man
be tough
is that all you got?
give me more
as a male it was your fate
to suck it up
never let it get to you
as said in Tea and Sympathy
to be a "regular guy"
and not just physical pain
but also emotional
such as humiliation by a teacher
only there was more to it
we thought we were just hiding our feelings
instead we were learning not to feel
like all boys I paid lip service
to this show of manliness
later I realized it was like playing
5 notes in a 12 note octave
we were denied the full range,
confined to the sounds those few notes could play
as the depth of emotional chords and complexity
were not available
we were allowed to yell at sports
or to be angry - perhaps the easiest emotions -
but sorrow or joy, hurt and affection
were off limits
and then I saw the results:
teachers whose dead-end lives
meant they took their anger out
on boys they were mentoring,
their cruelty masked as a rite of passage
a Latin teacher was noted
for taking a chalkboard eraser
and slamming it against the back of a student
when he did not give a correct answer
or took too long;
often the instructor picked on the same boys
who emerged from class
with their coats covered in white
- like a mark of shame -
and the boys had to pretend to not be bothered
by my senior year I had found the truth:
what they wanted
was a kind of spiritual death,
it meant that my life would be one of shadows
where emotions became so disguised
I could never reach them
so I let some of my classmates think less of me
because as an aspiring artist I knew that
what I felt was at the heart of who I was
"No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader,"
Robert Frost told us
when I had heard him speak at Exeter;
revered like a saint,
that was all the permission I needed
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Comments
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I hate that this is true for so many. And I love that you stand against it.
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That is an interesting connection, that the idea that manliness means not reacting to things emotionally, to be "tough", teaches boys to become men who are less than men, to not feel the seven other notes in the chord.
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Like your phrase "who are less than men." In an odd way, it took manly courage to buck the accepted idea of manliness!
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Pretty harsh times Rick. I like your point in this poem and how you expose "being a man" for what it really is. Thanks for sharing!
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This type of thinking affects us for our entire lives along with feeling a sense of shame if we buck the party line.
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since feeling is first who pays any attention to the syntax of things will never wholly kiss you; wholly to be a fool while Spring is in the world
This is so simple, but brilliantly written as you really understand the simplicity of what it means. -
5 notes in a 12 note octave we were denied the full range,
The way you creatively explained toxic masculinity and how men are denied the ability to be human like everyone else and express the full spectrum of emotions like vulnerability, and our being of wholeness that we are all born with! This was amazing. This line and the whole article, and was so necessary. Thanks for this Rick. Amazing work. "No tears in the writer, no tears in the reader," <- Yes, exactly!-
I am always really grateful when I know another person 'gets' what I was trying to say. Working with words is so difficult at times -- and yes the 5 notes in a 12 note octave is at the heart of this poem.
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I like the way you utilized the quotes, and I'm a glad you could see beyond what society deems you must feel.
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Quotes give a statement some spice and also another point of view. Thanks for your comment.
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what they wanted was a kind of spiritual death, it meant that my life would be one of shadows where emotions became so disguised I could never reach them
Very powerful poem! I hate the way boys are molded from birth to feel that they cannot ever show their feelings. It is really sad.-
Studies show that boys are handled differently from birth and these unspoken messages continue up to adulthood.
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Men, in a way, have been robbed of the right to feel. Even a recent survey found that most boys had a distant relationship with their fathers who were their role models.