GARY BALZAC’S SUNDAY WEEKEND ROUND-UP JAMBOREE: “GARY THINKS SOMETIMES.”

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Submitted Date 08/16/2020
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Today's Topic: "Gary Thinks Sometimes"

If you have refined literary tastes, then skip the Gary Balzac's Sunday Weekend Round-Up Jamboree and read something else.

My thoughts this week:

-My pals and I went out to a party Friday night, and I got a little too tipsy. I passed out and my chums duct bound me to my bed. Another abhorred case of statutory tape.

-If I had rhythm and could scuttle on the dance floor like Bobby Brown, my hip-hop name would be 80HD.

-I wonder if, when dogs hear their owner's snoring at night, they think, "Why is he angry for seven hours every night?"

-I've gained a little weight during the pandemic; I'm just not as active. But I'm a half-full kind of guy. Now I don't have to iron my pants anymore.

-My wonderful wife always takes care of me. During dinner with the family, she said, "You've got a little something on your chin. No, the next one. One more down. There you go. You got it." She saved me from embarrassment again.

- I think hiccups are Satan's little rib tickles.

-I wonder where the term cockpit comes from? Was it a derogatory term pilots gave to their stewardesses in the early 1960's?

-I wonder if the next Broadway play about Jesus might be, "Jesus Christ Uber Car."

-I wonder if Millennial Jesus would baptize with Voss water, pass out gluten free loaves and free-range organic fish, and drop the mic after the Sermon on the Mount?

-My two new methods to get rich quick are: 1. Start working with asbestos. 2. Get a Transvaginal mesh implant.

-One of my goals in life is to peel a hard-boiled egg without cursing both God and man.

-I don't know my own underwear size.

-What if Usain Bolt had sleigh bells for testicles? Can you imagine what it would sound like with him dashing all the way?

-I wondered last night which would be worse, to be backhand slapped by a pimp or by a frisbee golf pro.

I've been writing Children's Books, and not a one of them has been picked up by a publisher. These big fancy publishing companies don't really care about little guy anymore. So here are the titles that have been rejected so far. Humph!

1. Unwanted Puppies at the Farm.

2. Grandpa Died and so Will I.

3. The Puberty Scratch and Sniff Book.

4. The Autism to Zika Alphabet Book.

5. Frog and Toad Move in Together.

6. If You Give a Mouse a Crackpipe.

And lastly on Gary Balzac's Sunday Weekend Round-Up Jamboree is a film that my wonderful wife Velda and I went to Saturday night. It was called Hand Solo. Turns out that it was not part of the Star Wars series.

 

I've never told a truth in my life.  And OJ Simpson is a killer.

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  • Tanya Marion 2 months, 2 weeks ago

    I laughed till my ribs hurt. Thanks for the Sunday pick-me-up! You should do stand up.

    • Gary Balzac 2 months, 2 weeks ago

      Thank you very much. A little laughter can go along way during these difficult times.

  • Shanda 2 months, 1 week ago

    Maybe the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time.