HEALING AFTER SEXUAL TRAUMA

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Submitted Date 02/23/2022
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"Have you ever taken it (cum) to the face?" I was asked this question this morning by my best friend. He's been a very supportive and safe person to discuss many different aspects of my recent divorce with, including sex. He had no idea why I was trying to avoid answering it, and proceeded to give me a hard time (light teasing as we do with one another).

"Yes, several times against my will," I finally told him. It was so humiliating and degrading that I never told anyone that this happened until today. I felt powerless when he (my ex) held me down so I couldn't move. And he knew that I didn't want to do it and that I thought it was disgusting. He was "considerate" enough to go get me a towel to wipe my face after he finished.

"That's not right. I just did it with my wife for the first time in 10 years, only because she agreed to it."

"That's because you fucking respect her!" As I said those words I realized just how fucked up it was. I never really gave it much thought but this wasn't just something that happened. I had unresolved feelings about this. I guess at the time I thought it was normal and I was the weird one for not wanting to do it, so I just had to get used to it. I never got used to it. And I'm realizing more and more that there is no "normal" when it comes to sex or relationships. It can be whatever you want it to be or not, but it definitely has to be respectful.

"If it was that bad, why did you stay so long?"

I didn't have an immediate answer for this, I really didn't know what to say. Outsiders always ask this of abusive relationships because it is so illogical, it's hard to understand. We talked a little bit about something else, I don't even remember now and then hung up the phone.

After a few minutes of quiet reflection, I texted my best friend.

"The answer is that you don't see how bad it is when you're in it. You blow things off and make excuses. I have only just started learning to define my boundaries of what I will accept and not accept within the last couple of years. That's why being alone is really important to me right now because I still need to get those boundaries clearly defined and become stronger at holding people to them."

He texted, "I understand sorry for bringing it up"

I replied, "no don't be sorry. It helps me learn more. I think I'm ok most of the time but this conversation made me realize that I'm not okay."

"Well if you need to talk about it I'm here."

I know that I do need to talk about it. I have been avoiding talking about the things that really bother me for so long. If I ignore it I can be just fine and function normally, but the truth is that it's still there. And it will cause problems for me when/if I decide to start a new relationship. Relationships aside, it will likely cause problems for me just by myself. Now I sit here feeling as fragile as an egg, ready to break at any moment. But it's necessary in order to be my best self, I need to dig into these things.

This is very uncomfortable, this is growth.

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  • Tanya Marion 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    Alisha, this is such powerful writing. I know the topic is painfully personal, but have you ever thought about writing a book about your experiences and what you've learned from them? Your writing style and voice come across so well.

    • Alisha Constance 2 months, 3 weeks ago

      Wow, seriously? Thank you. I'm actually considering writing a book. So glad for the encouragement! I'm just getting started writing so we'll see where it goes.

  • Tanya Marion 2 months, 3 weeks ago

    You should definitely write a book! You're really good at writing in a conversational style that 's easy to read. If you need feedback, you could always post rough draft chapters as you go! Good luck! Looking forward to reading more of your writing 😊