Users Who Spiked
HOW DO I TELL HER?
Private Notes
Private Notes
Notes
I wonder when it will happen.
At the moment,
she is wildly enthusiastic,
optimistic about where her life will lead.
It's like Christmas morning,
that feeling that she has as she wakes each day,
that there are unlimited possibilities,
life is fair,
safety is guaranteed,
opportunities are given to everyone based on merit and hard work
That feeling that she could be president one day.
I don't have the heart to tell her,
or the stomach to watch it,
but I know it's coming.
She is eight-years-old
and already I can feel it shifting.
I can feel how gradually the world is working toward diminishing that spark
and I wonder when it will happen.
When will she become aware of the fact that,
as a female,
she is not always going to be treated as an equal and valued member of society?
I wonder how much she will push back at that notion.
I hope she will.
As a young girl,
she hasn't come face to face with that glass ceiling.
As a young girl,
she is still able to walk into spaces as her complete self.
But, steadily,
I can see that it is starting to set in.
When will the destructive process begin?
When will she start slowly stripping away
all of those little pieces of herself that are deemed unacceptable by our society?
I know it's coming.
How long can I protect her from the monsters that lurk around every corner?
I think I can keep it from happening for awhile,
until she starts to develop.
I'm afraid it won't be long after that.
One day,
she will be walking down the street or pumping gas
and her humanity will be broken down into body parts.
One day,
a man or group of men will yell something offensive in her direction,
"Take it as a compliment", some will tell her.
One day,
she will have to make a choice.
Will she keep her opinions to herself and look down at her feet?
Try not to make eye contact and pretend she didn't hear it?
If so, she will most certainly be called a bitch.
If she's lucky they will leave it at that.
However, if she does not look away,
if she says what she really thinks,
she will most certainly be endangering herself.
How am I going to tell her?
How will I find the words to tell my fiercely opinionated little girl,
that although she is strong,
that many times,
she will be preyed upon
because in comparison to the physical strength of some men
she is weak,
and that makes her vulnerable,
and no matter where she goes and what she accomplishes,
that she can't let her guard down
or else she might be taken down
by a man who has done nothing to deserve her?
How can I tell her that,
as a female,
she has a 1 in 3 chance of being a victim of sexual violence?
How can I break it to her,
that if she is attacked, she will inevitably be asked what she did to deserve it
and if she's lucky,
she will be the only one to ask herself that.
How can I tell her that if she is raped,
that her attacker will likely be back on the streets in 3 years or less,
if they even go to jail at all?
How should I say it,
that sexual violence towards women doesn't seem to matter in our culture?
How do I tell her,
that in our current patriarchal society,
justice for women that are victims of sexual misconduct
comes secondary to the needs of powerful men?
I wonder if I should tell her
or let it happen over time,
the imminent breaking of her spirit,
the realization that in many rooms she will be judged most by her beauty,
not her intellect,
the knowledge that in some rooms she will be unfairly dismissed if she shows too much skin
and in others if she doesn't show enough,
that there are so many ways that a woman can get it wrong,
so many ways that she can be blamed,
so many ways that she will not be enough,
so many expectations that are too unrealistic for any woman to achieve.
I'm not sure I can
or that I should.
How long should I keep hoping there will be more progress
so I won't have to tell her?
How soon will it be relevant for me to tell my daughter "me too"?
How long can I prevent her from being able to say it back?
Related Stories
Comments
Please login to post comments on this story
-
Miranda, this is a harsh reality check. These words have touched the mother in me. I think about this every day as I watch my 13-year-old change and see reactions to her change as well. I too hope that I will never have to say those words to her. However, I think showing strength in the eye of the storm is something we must do. I too pray that progress will be made and that many things in our world will change. Thank you for your voice. Each voice counts and each voice matters. I hope the day comes when this will no longer be an issue. Have a wonderful week and again thank you for your powerful words.
-
opportunities are given to everyone who earns it.
So important, just like one of my favorite songs by one of my favorite singers, Ryan Tedder, of one of my favorite bands, One Republic, "God only helps those Who learn to help themselves." -
she will be walking down the street or pumping gasand her humanity will be broken down into body parts.
"the realization that in many rooms she will be judged most by her beauty, not her intellect" This poem is so powerful; sadly this is our reality. If only our fight for equality was one with only a few pushes until we can meet in the middle to shake hands.-
Thanks for your comment and for being an ally.
-
-
This is such a great way to comment on this part of our culture. You make the point from an emotional perspective - and an entirely valid point. Great piece of writing. I think all we can do is teach girls to be strong so that when the inevitable happens, they can better weather the storm. And we can teach our boys that not only should they be respectful, they need to encourage their friends to do the same.
-
Very true! We need good men and boys in this fight with us. We can do quite a lot on our own, but we can't cross the finish line without them as our allies. They still have the most power and representation in Congress and Senate. We are making great strides though.
-
-
I have two teenage daughters 16 and 13. I don't teach them to be a victim. We discuss the reality of things that happen to girls and how to avoid them. We also discuss that if you allow other people to make you feel like less, you will act like less. This goes for men and women. Women are just as likely, if not more so, to shame other women for how they dress. I teach my daughters they are much more likely to be a victim if they act like a victim, if they look down at their shoes or avert their eyes (something taught to me when there was a serial rapist on my college campus). I teach them to be smart and be aware of their surroundings but not to live in fear. I teach them that catcalls and wolf whistles are not something to get worked up about. Laugh, smile, and throw a little shade back at those guys-move on with their day (when they are adults, not teens). Keep some good male friends in your corner. I'm not letting anyone take my girls' sparks. I'm not letting my girls think men are the enemy, because they aren't. There are some bad people out there (both men and women) and I think propagating the idea that girls will likely be victims perpetuates the cycle.
-
Thank you for your comment. I would like to explain my intentions for the poem because I received a lot of not-so-nice feedback on Twitter, so I think a thorough explanation might help. I hope so anyway. My daughter is not at an age that we are having these discussions. We have discussed stranger danger and what to do if she gets separated from us in the store. This poem is not an account of what I have told her or will tell her. This is a poem about some of the questions I have asked myself along the way about how to approach this subject with my daughter and the frustration that I feel that these same problems are still relevant issues that I will need to discuss with her. I do not intend to pass on a victim mentality. In fact, I have put her in mixed martial arts in order to teach her how to defend herself so she can feel confident in her abilities. However, a girl I was very close to growing up was a black belt in martial arts and was still preyed upon by a man much older than her when she was 14. Sometimes, young girls and women, regardless of their abilities, freeze up and go into a state of shock and just allow the attack to happen. It was not her fault. Unless you have been a victim yourself, it is hard to say how you will react when it is happening. This is a poem about the realities of being a woman and is written from the perspective of a woman that has encountered all of the situations mentioned in the poem. In my teen years, I was harassed, attacked and assaulted, on more than one occasion. In my opinion, saying that a woman is more likely to be a victim if they act like a victim fits the narrative that it is the victim\'s fault if they are attacked. The reality of my personal situation was that I was not timid around men. I talked a big talk and did not look down at my shoes. I was still attacked. I was attacked wearing my work uniform (collared shirt and pants). The point of mentioning this is just to shed light on the fact that sometimes, no matter what a young teen girl or woman does or how conservatively she may dress, she can still be attacked. My mom told me what to watch out for and what to do if I was attacked. I fought back. I was not strong enough. It is important to me to make sure I don\'t send the message to my daughter that if she is attacked it is somehow her fault because of some kind of behavior she did or didn\'t do. In regard to catcalling, sometimes it does go wrong. I have reacted in different ways and experienced aggression with both reactions. When I threw some shade back at a guy, he approached me and got in my face and said, \"what the f**k did you just say to me?\" I quickly apologized and was able to leave, but it was very scary. So, the second time I encountered this situation, I ignored a group of men in a parking lot shouting things at me and looked at my shoes. Not only did they start calling me names, they started to approach me and as I pulled out they threw a water bottle at my car. I am a feminist, I am not anti-men. I have a wonderful husband who is my best friend and protector. This is not an anti-men poem. I do think it is important to raise my daughter to know that men are not \"the enemy\" and I also do not want her to think that it is inevitable that she will be attacked. This poem is just my inner voice reflecting on what I should or shouldn\'t say that will strike a good balance. It is definitely not an account of what I would say word for word. If it sounds victim-y, it is because it is from the perspective of a victim. It isn\'t meant to be pleasant. It is meant to be real. The statistics are not pleasant and I do not wish to sugarcoat the situation because I believe facing the ugly reality of it will likely lead to change. Facing the reality of it is what the Time\'s Up movement and Me Too movement are all about. I agree with your point about how women are just as likely as and sometimes even more likely to shame other women than men are. I read quite a few comments about my poem on Twitter that confirms that idea. It\'s a shame that not all women can support other women who are brave enough to come forward and tell their story. In fact, the political climate is so divided, many women couldn’t get past the assumption that the girl in the stock photo I chose was wearing a \"pu**y\" hat. Instead of supporting the poem, they chose to insult me because they assumed that the poem was anti-Trump. I just thought it was a pink hat. Little girls wear pink hats all the time. So, just to clarify, it\'s not a political poem, it\'s a Me Too poem and all women, regardless of politics, are welcome to join the movement. No pu**y hat required ;-)
-
Miranda, as mothers we all struggle with how to best prepare our daughters for the real world. I didn't mean in any way that being timid or looking down at your shoes is asking for it. No woman ever asks for it. I have a story on here called "Victim" and if you read it , I actually have the protagonist thinking about how a girl she knew was said to have asked to be attacked by the way she was dressed. If you finish the story you will see how I feel about that. My point was only that there are things women can do to minimize their risks. I read a lot about criminal profiling and there is always a victimology, the type the rapists and murders go after. I just want my girls to to do what they can to not fit into one of those victimology descriptions. I worked in bars for years, often in tiny uniforms. I've been called a whore for NOT giving out my number and I've had my arm grabbed and twisted to the point I was almost on my knees. In both cases I had back up, male bouncers who were there to protect me. When I took those jobs, I knew what I was getting into, I knew that encountering men like that was a possibility. In the hundreds of shifts I worked and the thousands of men I encountered, there were only 2 incidents. I am not criticizing you, just relating my own stance on the subject. I worry that the #metoo movement will put in young girls' minds the idea that they WILL be victims. That's not what I want for my girls, they are aware of what CAN happen but I don't want that to define their every move. Will I tell them not to walk home alone from a party? Absolutely! But i'd also tell my son the same thing if I had one. None of us get this parenting thing perfect and the fact that you are writing about your concerns for your child puts you well ahead of a lot of parents.
-
-
Miranda…I wish more people could understand what you are really saying, based on the negative comments on twitter you reply about below. This issue, though written several years ago, is as harsh a reality check that Mary writes about below my comments. We still live in that world of inequality, where women are viewed as something to be objectified, to fulfill the male driven desire of whatever they want a woman to be. Unfortunately, I do not see it changing for the better anytime soon. Such deep-rooted societal beliefs have kept women in a submissive and secondary orbit in a male dominated world. I know the fear of unwanted male aggression, and fortunately for me I have a bit of military training to help me maintain my focus and keep panic at bay when those situations arise. This is not always the case, and we need to support and defend all women to endeavor to realize their goals and desires. We can overcome adversity, we can achieve and surpass any bar set before us, and we shall win…keep on keeping on!
-
Thank you <3
-
I wish it was not an issue as well. Sometimes it just seems like the world is not a safe place for young girls. There has recently been a rise in the number of missing teenage girls in my area and I find it very unsettling. We can't keep our daughters in a bubble, but sometimes the world makes me wish that I could. Thank you for your words of encouragement and good luck to you and your daughter.