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THE PAIN OF A WOMAN
Oh my, It's that time of the month again. I'm filled with unwanted fluids and cramps that feels like someone hammered nails into my vagina. You know what's worse? I not only get cramps in m stomach, but I get them in my lower back too. You know what's worse then that? Mother nature always decides to invade my land as soon as I get to work where I have to stand, bend, and squat for nine hours straight. Not while I'm in the shower or on the toilet, but a few minutes after I clock in. I can't take the medicine that knocks the pain out because it makes me drowsy and I have to get through the work day so I'm stuck. It's crazy how I manage to keep a smile on my face when I'm bleeding inside. But it's not just my uterus that makes me bleed, it's my pain from within. I know pregnancy feel completley different than what I'm going through and I should be happy that I'm having a menstruation cycle, but I'm bleeding more than usual. I've been trying to cope with the treatment that I've been getting latley by my love. I thought that I could make things better by doing more than what I usually do, but It's not enough. I often wonder what is it about me that just makes people want to hurt me especially you mother nature! Am I not skinny enough? Am I not pretty enough? Am I not talented enough? or Will I ever be enough? Much like these cramps, not feeling like you're enough hurts like hell. Not only am I doing my best, but I'm going above and beyond, but I believe it's because I'm very "Extra". I feel the need to go above and beyond for anyone or anything that I love even if it's not repayed. I get told to "just say no" or "just stop doing it", but no one understands how hard it is for me to do that. I yearn to be loved, but I'm filled with it to give. Not everyone is deserving of it, but I still give it. I don't feel like I deserve these cramps, but I still get them! While I work I wish I could ask to go home, but I have bills to pay I can't whine about these fireballs inside of me. It's women that work through their pregnancy and I don't understand how they do it. Much love to them.
What's more insane is the fact that I try to love on my body, but my body doesn't love me. Nobody loves me. I wish I could look forward to a hot bath, ice cream, and warm cuddles, but I can't because my body doesn't love me. If I take a bath it makes my cramps worse, If I eat sugar I bleed heavier, and I've been going to bed by myself so no warm cuddles for me. Oh, I forgot about dinner. During this time I like to indulge in spices. Hot cheetos with nacho cheese, jalpeno poppers, and don't forget hot sauce on popcorn mmmmmmmm. But, I have groceries in the fridge and as much as I want to eat out, I don't want to let him down even though my feet are killing me. So much for getting to sit down, there is still so much standing up I have to do. Ughhhh and laundry, I forgot about the laundry. Damn it I also have to write a blog post for my website, another website, entery poerty submissions, and upload a new story to WriteSpike. If I put it off I will be a loser. I already have so many people in my family judging me for not being in college right now living my best life, but I couldn't help that my High School gave all of the scholarship money to athletes and artist instead of the actual students with great academics. It hurted like hell to get accepted into so many colleges, but not being fiancially able to go. It felt like the 2 hours asleep I was getting a day, working fulltime, and partcipating in extra curricular activities was for nothing , but I won't give up. It hurts like hell to know I don't have a solid support system and that my family doesn't have my back, but I have my own back. Did I mention that my back hurts really bad? but I'm relentless. I won't give up. I already have so many knives in my back so, just keep throwing them. I already feel alone so just keep leaving me by myself. I've already been talked down on so keep talking. I'm already bleeding, so keep hurting me! I warn you though, I won't bleed out.
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