NOT KNOWING A HOME

I know people who have moved constantly, from the moment they've stepped out of the womb into a new house to a few months later to a new state or country. I've heard the stories and struggles of constantly jumping from school-to-school to friend group to friend group. That's not me. My extent of moving houses is to different houses in the same small town, and then once to a different town which was only about ten minutes away from my hometown. I've moved a little over three hours away from home for college, and I've jumped from dorm room numbers to apartment to apartment in the same general area, and then a studio twenty minutes away. I'm not that diverse in the moving arena of life, but I still feel like I don't know what home really is.

Throughout my life, I've always viewed things as temporary, even when I knew I wouldn't be moving far away from someone or something. But for some reason, friendships seemed to always be a ticking timebomb in my head, the moment I started school as an elementary student I already thought of how I would be leaving to a different middle school. Whenever I got close to teachers, I thought about how little of the months we had until I would not see them again. I constantly embraced for the ending of everything.

I couldn't turn off the switch of being the person who expected the doom of endings, especially once I reached college and hated where I was, I longed for the ending of being there. I took a lot of friendships for granted and ignored most of them or stepped ten steps back when I felt like I was getting close to someone because in my mind, I wanted to transfer colleges and leave and I couldn't get distracted or make 'meaningless' connections. Then, voila, I did not end up transferring, and just spent my time focused on my studies so I could get out ASAP anyway, and kept others at a good distance away. Though this is something I do regret, here I am doing it again at my job, wondering when a company will call me for an interview, searching for jobs, looking at different places to live, keeping my coworkers at a distance.

It's not that I don't want to form connections or think that they are meaningless, but I don't want to get too attached or distracted, and then again, I have commitment problems. A small amount of time just staying in one area and enjoying it could make me want to stay, and I know that. But I use that small amount of time to redirect my focus to future opportunities that I want or looking for the next best thing. So it's become a pretty big deal in my life, you could say, closing myself off to try and move up somewhere else. I do it on purpose even though there are times where I just wish I wouldn't. I force myself not to be satisfied with anything for some reason. My mind is constantly in a go-go-go mode while I stay put in a career or school or relationship.

I know I feel like I don't have a home or I don't know what is my home or my safe spot or somewhere that feels completely comfortable, somewhere my mind can be at ease and OK, so I keep trying to be an a go-go-go mode to continue to keep moving until I find the spot. And I want to say, hey, maybe if I just took the time to slow down and really get to know and be familiar with the things and places around me that I would maybe realize that it's not about finding a home but making a home of the unfamiliar. But, part of me still thinks that can't be right. I feel that way because I've lived in this new place for almost four years now, but I still feel like there's something else out there. I can't tell you if it's because there really is something else out there, or if I'm just the type of person who can never be satisfied with where they are, but for some reason, there's still a piece of my heart that feels out of place wherever I go.

The world is a big place, though. Who wouldn't wonder if there is somewhere else they should be instead. Or something else they should be doing. It doesn't help to not know yourself enough to know what you should be doing in general. I feel like I have all these things I'd want to do or explore and there's just too many that I feel like I should be doing them all even though I know that's not possible. I can't just decide on one thing. Do I sound selfish now?

I wonder if anyone really has that place, that one special 'this is home' place that feels right, or if we are just supposed to make a home of wherever we are or wherever we go. Is it supposed to be like that? Are we supposed to just try our bests to mold into something to feel comfortable, or OK?

I don't know. I can't even tell you if my growth of this longing to move or go somewhere else is really because I feel like I should be somewhere else or because I have grown to really get tired of living in a small cramped studio that welcomes spiders with open hands, and that I can't find any other place to live here for cheaper. I can't differentiate the feelings. I don't know. I'm not sure. I don't know if I'm ever supposed to really be sure. I can't envision the day when I'd even be able to buy my own home somewhere, I don't know where that would be or should be or what I would be doing. I'm not sure.